Death of a Saint

[Click on the image to download the album and artwork]

In 1997, we found out that my mom had breast cancer. The doctors gave her 6 months to live. I was 15, just entering high school, and my brother was 18, just about to start college. I believe my mom and dad were both about 40 or 41 years old. This news shook us all to the core. We knew that she was sick, but we couldn’t fathom that she would be gone in just 6 short months. We prayed and friends prayed and God was gracious and gave us 3 more wonderful years with her. I still say to people that my life was in color when she was alive and when she finally died on March 11, 2000, my life turned black and white. I still feel that way. She was such a huge part of my life.

After 10 long years without her, many memories have faded and it’s hard to even picture her face at times. Music is the one thing that allows me to feel alive again – in a way, it’s an escape from real life into a place that I don’t have to worry about death or sorrow or money or pride or anger. In other words, I guess music makes me feel close to God. I think my mom was kind of the same way. She always loved to hear me play the piano, and even when I was first learning she would just let me play for hours. After she was diagnosed with breast cancer, I began to pour all of my emotion into the songs I was writing. Even if they were too repetitive or if the words didn’t seem to mean much, my heart was completely in it. I don’t think that necessarily means that the songs would move everyone that hears them or that anyone should be impressed by them – I just know that I put everything I had at the time into them.

All of the songs on my piano album, Death of a Saint, were written right around the time of my mom’s death. The title track, Death of a Saint, was actually written on the day she died. She was in the living room, lying on a hospital-type bed provided by hospice. We had friends and family in the house. There was a silent peace filling every room. I played the piano to help comfort her. I know that God was with us, giving us peace. I know that many people that die and many people that go through losing loved ones do not feel that peace. I do not take it for granted. It was truly a peaceful, spiritual experience for everyone there.

It’s been 10 years since she died. Since 2000, my grandpa has died, my uncle has died, my cousin has died, and some friends have died as well. None have affected me the way my mom’s death did. Since her death, I’ve struggled with bitterness toward God – doubts that there even is a God (or at least the God that I learned about growing up in church) – pride because the struggles that I’ve gone through somehow make me feel like I have a deeper understanding of life than other people around me. But deep down inside me, I know that I still have a heart that genuinely wants to share with people the innocent sorrow and peace that I experienced when my mom died. I hope that this album can share that with you – especially if you are going through a difficult time. If you know someone that needs comfort, I hope you will share it with them, and I pray it will bring them peace as well.

Ecclesiastes 3

A Time for Everything

¹ There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under heaven:

² a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,

³ a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,

⁴ a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,

⁵ a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain,

⁶ a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,

⁷ a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,

⁸ a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.